Notes to my teenage self
During lockdown, I have done a lot of reflecting. I have looked back on my life, certain moments and events that have been rather significant in one way or another - I’ve learnt that reflection is an important part of self growth, however, it’s rarely an easy task for me and tends to be emotionally draining alongside working and being overall busy. Everything has come to a halt for me work-wise currently so I’ve been able to take some time out and I have found myself thinking about my teenage years which were, to put simply, a bit odd. For the most part, they were relatively “normal” and I had a lot of fun, but other parts were a lot darker and are too blurry to recollect. Trauma is weird like that.
With all this reminiscing, questions have arisen in my head such as “who even was I back then?” and “what was I thinking?” and I think what I mean is, through the heartache and tears of my adolescence, I learnt a hell of a lot. So much so that I don’t recognise myself back then in the slightest when I think about it, it’s as if I am a whole new person now. Definitely far from perfect and still learning daily from my mistakes, of course. But I do feel desperately sad and frustrated thinking about my younger self, the words ‘naive’ and ‘hopeless’ spring to mind. So, because I am so pissed off at 16/17/18/19 year old Maddy, I am going to write a list that I would love to present to her if I had some sort of time machine.
1. Your physical appearance is NOT the only thing that matters. I know that everyone is a little self obsessed right now and all you want to do is impress every boy that walks past you. But straightening your hair for half an hour because you think you look fat with curly hair and being so focussed on perfecting your make-up before school and continuously being late for class by doing so isn’t impressing anyone. You missed countless revision lessons that would have definitely bumped you up a couple of grades just because you were self conscious of your eyeliner looking wonky. Take pride in how you look, sure, but don’t become obsessed with it...there are more important things to be involved in that will be much more beneficial to you in the future. You’d be surprised at how little people are paying attention anyway, they have their own stuff to do. Give yourself a break.
2. Speaking poorly about yourself to others is going to do more damage than what you think. Words are powerful and they stick around. Yes, most of your friends do the same thing and there’s not a day that goes by at school that one of you blurts out “my skin is gross” or “I look so ugly without foundation” or the classic “I am looking so fat today” Girl, what you’re doing by saying these things out loud is feeding yourself negativity and solidifying these types of comments as if they’re something to be ashamed about or even remotely true. It’s a damaging thought process to have and you carry it with you into your early 20’s. You’re practically bullying yourself and it will only ever lead to self loathe and shame...for what? Cut through the pessimistic crap with a positive comment each day. Tell yourself in the mirror until you’re blue in the face that you’re imperfectly beautiful like every other human is. Low self esteem is inevitable but it’s also a compulsive liar.
3. You don’t have to sleep with every man/woman that gives you the time of day. It’s clear that you enjoy sex probably more than the average person...your curiosity, excitement and interest for it doesn’t ever leave. But you really don’t need to put yourself in uncomfortable, unsafe and downright awkward situations just because you’ve convinced yourself that your body is the only thing that you have to offer to someone. You’ll end up getting yourself into spots of bother, trust me, and you’ll end up feeling more empty than you did previously. Do these people ever send a quick text just asking how you are? Do they even bother asking you what your name is? Do they respect your boundaries? You’re not anywhere near as tough and hard-headed as you make out and it’s totally okay for you to stop doing something if it doesn’t feel 100% right. Stop trying to find comfort in sleeping with strangers, it doesn’t work, you end up waking up, going home and crying every time. Your thought process is that it might help boost your shattered self esteem, but building any form of self confidence starts from YOU. Build your own. You will also soon realise that sex can feel totally safe, natural and absolutely beautiful when you start showing respect towards yourself and when that respect is reciprocated. Don’t waste your passion on perverts and don’t hide behind shitty sex.
4. Be proud of your interests and don’t worry about other people’s opinions on them. I remember the times that you used to play the “dumb” card and when being a bit of a book worm was uncool. If you spend your lunch times in the library you will be labelled a nerd which isn’t something to be proud of and I knew this...everyone did. I never went into the library willingly, even though they have always been my favourite places and I was desperate to bury my head into a Stephen King novel at pretty much any time of the day. Your passion for reading and writing is special and you should embrace this, it’s heartbreaking that you pretended to stop caring about the things you enjoyed even though you secretly cry to romantic poetry and Shakespeare sonnets in your bed at 1am. Books are the greatest tool humans have access to, so keep picking them up and soaking it all in. Intelligence will always be cool.
5. Your mental health is valid and isn’t something that must be suppressed. Y’know that guy that you dated back in year 9 that practically told you that you were insane and “a handful” because of a panic attack you had outside of the cinema? Educate the fuck out of him. Do not let anyone stand there and belittle you just because they are either ignorant or misinformed about anxiety. There will always be stigma and you will keep on experiencing it as you get older, but you learn to speak up. Although your panic attacks become quite few and far between, you will never forget the hurtful comments from those that don’t understand mental health. Learn to walk away from people that make you feel shame for being a certain way or for voicing that you need some help, reaching out is a big deal and extremely brave. You will find people that get it, you just have to sift through the bullies, narcissists and fake empaths that come your way. There is no need for embarrassment, blushed cheeks and hidden tears. In fact, that guy that mocked you outside of Cineworld was the one that should of felt embarrassed. He had the personality of a bin bag anyway. Maybe he’s the one that needs to read a book or two.
I could continue with this list but I feel like this is enough for me to write for one blog post. I recommend writing your own list; watching your self growth is important. I definitely owed it to myself.
_
Sonnet 54 (translation into modern English)
“Oh, how much more beautiful beauty appears when accompanied by the lovely ornament of integrity! Roses look beautiful but we see them as even more beautiful because of the wonderful perfume that lives in them. Dog roses have every bit as intense a colour as the perfumed hue of those roses; have the same thorns, and blow as appealingly when the breathe of summer opens their buds. But because their appearance is their only virtue they live obscurely and die unnoticed, in loneliness. Sweet roses don’t - the most fragrant odours are distilled from their beautiful corpses. And that’s the case with you, beautiful and lovely youth: when that fades, my verse will distill your essence”
❁
With all this reminiscing, questions have arisen in my head such as “who even was I back then?” and “what was I thinking?” and I think what I mean is, through the heartache and tears of my adolescence, I learnt a hell of a lot. So much so that I don’t recognise myself back then in the slightest when I think about it, it’s as if I am a whole new person now. Definitely far from perfect and still learning daily from my mistakes, of course. But I do feel desperately sad and frustrated thinking about my younger self, the words ‘naive’ and ‘hopeless’ spring to mind. So, because I am so pissed off at 16/17/18/19 year old Maddy, I am going to write a list that I would love to present to her if I had some sort of time machine.
1. Your physical appearance is NOT the only thing that matters. I know that everyone is a little self obsessed right now and all you want to do is impress every boy that walks past you. But straightening your hair for half an hour because you think you look fat with curly hair and being so focussed on perfecting your make-up before school and continuously being late for class by doing so isn’t impressing anyone. You missed countless revision lessons that would have definitely bumped you up a couple of grades just because you were self conscious of your eyeliner looking wonky. Take pride in how you look, sure, but don’t become obsessed with it...there are more important things to be involved in that will be much more beneficial to you in the future. You’d be surprised at how little people are paying attention anyway, they have their own stuff to do. Give yourself a break.
2. Speaking poorly about yourself to others is going to do more damage than what you think. Words are powerful and they stick around. Yes, most of your friends do the same thing and there’s not a day that goes by at school that one of you blurts out “my skin is gross” or “I look so ugly without foundation” or the classic “I am looking so fat today” Girl, what you’re doing by saying these things out loud is feeding yourself negativity and solidifying these types of comments as if they’re something to be ashamed about or even remotely true. It’s a damaging thought process to have and you carry it with you into your early 20’s. You’re practically bullying yourself and it will only ever lead to self loathe and shame...for what? Cut through the pessimistic crap with a positive comment each day. Tell yourself in the mirror until you’re blue in the face that you’re imperfectly beautiful like every other human is. Low self esteem is inevitable but it’s also a compulsive liar.
3. You don’t have to sleep with every man/woman that gives you the time of day. It’s clear that you enjoy sex probably more than the average person...your curiosity, excitement and interest for it doesn’t ever leave. But you really don’t need to put yourself in uncomfortable, unsafe and downright awkward situations just because you’ve convinced yourself that your body is the only thing that you have to offer to someone. You’ll end up getting yourself into spots of bother, trust me, and you’ll end up feeling more empty than you did previously. Do these people ever send a quick text just asking how you are? Do they even bother asking you what your name is? Do they respect your boundaries? You’re not anywhere near as tough and hard-headed as you make out and it’s totally okay for you to stop doing something if it doesn’t feel 100% right. Stop trying to find comfort in sleeping with strangers, it doesn’t work, you end up waking up, going home and crying every time. Your thought process is that it might help boost your shattered self esteem, but building any form of self confidence starts from YOU. Build your own. You will also soon realise that sex can feel totally safe, natural and absolutely beautiful when you start showing respect towards yourself and when that respect is reciprocated. Don’t waste your passion on perverts and don’t hide behind shitty sex.
4. Be proud of your interests and don’t worry about other people’s opinions on them. I remember the times that you used to play the “dumb” card and when being a bit of a book worm was uncool. If you spend your lunch times in the library you will be labelled a nerd which isn’t something to be proud of and I knew this...everyone did. I never went into the library willingly, even though they have always been my favourite places and I was desperate to bury my head into a Stephen King novel at pretty much any time of the day. Your passion for reading and writing is special and you should embrace this, it’s heartbreaking that you pretended to stop caring about the things you enjoyed even though you secretly cry to romantic poetry and Shakespeare sonnets in your bed at 1am. Books are the greatest tool humans have access to, so keep picking them up and soaking it all in. Intelligence will always be cool.
5. Your mental health is valid and isn’t something that must be suppressed. Y’know that guy that you dated back in year 9 that practically told you that you were insane and “a handful” because of a panic attack you had outside of the cinema? Educate the fuck out of him. Do not let anyone stand there and belittle you just because they are either ignorant or misinformed about anxiety. There will always be stigma and you will keep on experiencing it as you get older, but you learn to speak up. Although your panic attacks become quite few and far between, you will never forget the hurtful comments from those that don’t understand mental health. Learn to walk away from people that make you feel shame for being a certain way or for voicing that you need some help, reaching out is a big deal and extremely brave. You will find people that get it, you just have to sift through the bullies, narcissists and fake empaths that come your way. There is no need for embarrassment, blushed cheeks and hidden tears. In fact, that guy that mocked you outside of Cineworld was the one that should of felt embarrassed. He had the personality of a bin bag anyway. Maybe he’s the one that needs to read a book or two.
I could continue with this list but I feel like this is enough for me to write for one blog post. I recommend writing your own list; watching your self growth is important. I definitely owed it to myself.
_
Sonnet 54 (translation into modern English)
“Oh, how much more beautiful beauty appears when accompanied by the lovely ornament of integrity! Roses look beautiful but we see them as even more beautiful because of the wonderful perfume that lives in them. Dog roses have every bit as intense a colour as the perfumed hue of those roses; have the same thorns, and blow as appealingly when the breathe of summer opens their buds. But because their appearance is their only virtue they live obscurely and die unnoticed, in loneliness. Sweet roses don’t - the most fragrant odours are distilled from their beautiful corpses. And that’s the case with you, beautiful and lovely youth: when that fades, my verse will distill your essence”
❁
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