Rat race

Without a shadow of a doubt, there is an immense amount of pressure that I have always put on myself to be as close to flawless as I can possible get. From my appearance to the scores I receive from my assignments, there is an overwhelming urge inside of me that begs for a level of perfection that is most definitely impossible to attain. After all, the ‘perfect person’ cannot exist because perfection itself is completely subjective and, in turn, is somewhat an illusion…I know this. So why do I continue to put this insane amount of pressure on myself to possess something that isn’t even achievable? What am I attempting to prove? 

I have been mulling over these questions and thinking about the accomplishments I have made throughout my life recently (probably because I have just turned 25…birthdays sometimes come with an overwhelming sense of panic) and, whilst I pondered the things I’ve done, haven’t done and everything in between, a strong feeling of despondency washed over me. Every year on my birthday I experience this; reminiscing all the brushed-aside opportunities, the “what if?” moments and anxious thoughts about where the future is headed. Of course, we never truly know what the future holds for us and life has a tendency to throw curveballs at us rather erratically but I feel like it is common for us to have this expectancy of real progression each year that we age. As teenagers, we should go to school and get top grades, then we should go to university as young adults and then in our 20’s we should be on the path to a steady career. 

The older we get, the build up of pressure we put on ourselves can become even worse. In a nutshell, it is envisaged by society that we need to get an education (in schools that most definitely do not prepare us adequately for real life, but that’s a conversation for a different blog), then get a job, find a life partner, buy a house, have children and then retire. Whilst these life choices are suited well for plenty of people, I think it would be almost deleterious to assume that this is the only pathway to living the most accomplished life. A genuine thought that crosses my mind frequently is “I’m in my mid 20’s now, when should I have children?” and I have endured great anxiety over this subject, which is a good example of social pressures clouding over your own opinions and judgment. 

It’s easy for us to feel like we aren’t progressing in our own lives when certain lifestyles are enforced on us. We can have moments where we feel totally stuck and it can sometimes feel like life holds no space or time for mistakes or inevitable misfortunes like the loss of a job, for example. A lot of the time, in our heads, we have this version of the future that we predict will play out and it can be a real kick in the teeth when things just don’t pan out the way we hope for. Levels of guilt can be felt because we may believe that we’ve let ourselves down or disappointed our loved ones. When we see other people around us who seem to be reaching for bigger goals and doing things that seem better or cooler than anything we’ve ever done, it can make us feel inadequate or like life isn’t on our side. Why has that good thing happened to them and not me? It can feel so unbelievably unfair.

All of these feelings are valid and I think it’s part of being human to experience emotions such as guilt, jealousy and apprehension in regards to our own futures. I think not feeling happy with where we are in life, although shouldn’t be dwelled on, is a great indicator that we believe we simply deserve better. Things aren’t always going to run smoothly and shit will happen that makes us question our own capabilities; that’s a fact. Sometimes we may choose a path in life that might not be what our parents anticipated and that may cause someone down the line to feel disappointed towards you. But it doesn’t mean that this disappointment resides within you. We don’t need to all fit with this rat race narrative that we are taught from a young age and we don’t need to feel guilty for choosing a different direction compared to other people. We don’t need to people please every second of our lives. It’s important to remember that perfection does not exist; no amount of pressure that you may try and instil onto yourself to live a perfect life will stop you from encountering defeats. This doesn’t mean, however, that you must be defeated. 

As cliché as it may sound, life is too short to worry so much about living up to expectations of others or making yourself miserable from living a life that doesn’t align with who you are as a person. Everyone is so unique and our individual experiences shape our root beliefs; allowing yourself to grow into who you truly want to be without weighing yourself down with copious amounts of pressure will help you to feel at home in this world. If our roots are not healthy and secure, we can’t grow far beyond them. If our roots are sturdy enough to withstand the storms, though, we can bloom through whatever may come our way.