Moving on

Lately, my brain has felt like it’s made out of scrambled eggs. Burnt scrambled eggs. Yes, a crude way to describe what’s going on upstairs in my noggin, but what I mean is I’m forgetful almost all of the time, I struggle to motivate myself to do the simplest tasks a lot of the time and I can’t seem to organise my life efficiently. Days seem to morphe into one long blur and I find myself crawling my way through it rather than truly living each moment with the gratitude that I held before. That is, before I moved away from being in a place with family (some loosely defined as such) into my first house; my very first space in a rather long time that I can call home. Honestly? It’s incredible. I don’t always get it right but I do try to count my blessings wherever and whenever I can and the fact that I am finically capable of buying a property (especially in the current climate, good god) is certainly one of those blessings and one I don’t take for granted. So, with all this in mind, I can’t help but wonder: why am I not ecstatic?

I have been doing some reading recently into the nervous system in relation to mental health. Without boring you too much into a 20 paragraph-long biology lesson, a brief explanation of this complex system is that it serves as our bodies communication network between neurons that transmit information through chemical and electrical signals. Essentially, the brain acts as a big ol’ command centre and processes/interprets information received from the body and the external environment. Stressors from the outside world will play a pivotal role in how the body reacts to everything going on (that’s where stress hormones like cortisol will come flooding in) in preparation for “fight or flight mode”; sometimes necessary, but not good for us 24/7. After reading this, I realised very quickly that I had been living in this state of fight or flight probably for a lot longer than I thought. After living in what seemed to be toxic household after toxic household and after the true stress of getting a mortgage and all the anxiety that came with it, I have finally had the mental and physical space to start processing everything that life has thrown my way over the past few years.

A lot of crying has been happening. I am not a huge crier, so as you can imagine this has become quickly very alarming for me, especially because it *sometimes* happens in front of people. That’s new. Other things such as sleeping more, staring into space for long periods of time and becoming overall quite reclusive are recent habits that I perhaps didn’t do before moving into the apartment. My anxious brain automatically came to the conclusion that I was simply being ungrateful and that I should be pushing my body to do more things that make me happy now that I have a fresh new start, but science says there is a real shift happening here that can’t be forced away with sheer willpower or distractions; I now understand that my nervous system is dysregulated and I am decompressing from chronic stress. My body was used to being in a constant state of anxiety and my mind would be on a consistent search for cues of danger in order to prompt action, thus protecting my mental health.

The truth is, no amount of mindset work will override a dysregulated nervous system. Don’t get it twisted, harnessing a more positive mindset can definitely impact how we perceive and cope with stressors, but when it comes to regulating our nervous system, I believe focus should be on the physiological underpinnings of stress with the aims of shifting the body from a heightened state of arousal to a more relaxed one. I have been quick to judge myself for not feeling quite right overall and I have felt copious amounts of guilt. The guilt whispers that I should have coped differently, that my nervous system should have remained unscathed. In hindsight, I think this notion should be rejected. This system, like any intricate system, reacts to the stimuli it encounters. In a toxic environment, it does its best to protect you and it is okay to allow yourself space and time to recalibrate, however that may look from the outside. It might get a little messy and confusing but that’s okay - embrace it. Acknowledge the battles you’ve faced and celebrate the fact that you’re still standing after everything, ready to renew and rise. 

There are no real answers or fixes for calming down your nervous system that I can share because healing journeys can differ in a number of ways depending on the person. What I do know for sure is that toxic environments can leave lasting imprints on our mental and emotional landscapes so showing up for yourself to simply decompress through deep breathing, nature walks, expression through painting and writing, meditation work and intentionally moving the body through yoga are all incredible ways to cultivate yourself some compassion. That’s what truly matters. Celebrate the small victories - the moments of calm, the days of increased clarity. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a triumph. The days that feel quiet are not to be looked upon with judgmental eyes, they don’t always need to be busy and hectic. Recognise that the nervous system’s reaction to toxicity is a survival strategy; a display of the body’s remarkable ability to adapt and protect. This is not a mark of weakness but a badge of honour, signifying your capacity to endure and emerge stronger.

m.m